Now here’s something I’ve been putting on the back burner for a while, mainly because my thoughts weren’t clear enough to be cohesive on the topic, thanks due in part of me still “going through the motions” of a past relationship. And now after I’ve finally (I think) cleansed myself of the cushiony bullshit I’ve told myself and pulled my head out of my ass, I can finally re-affirm the lessons that I so conveniently neglected and intentionally ignored during the course of my affair.
Entering into any new relationship, especially if the chemistry is spot on, will throw some common sense ideals out the proverbial window.
Unless you’re a total reclusive, or a serial killer with a fine collection of flesh-made lamp shades, it’s probably not a good idea to boot, or utterly ignore, the friends you associate with, for they are the outside force to bitch slap you if ever you should forget who you are. Those on the outside usually have a clearer perspective.
NOT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST
For guys, I know you’ve heard you have to put your woman first and that’s usually something you hear from… wait for iiiiiiiit… women! Ladies, on the other hand, almost always get told to put themselves first. So where’s the balance here? Honestly, this advice should go for either camp.
Putting yourself first just means that you care for yourself. Rarely are martyrs that sexy to begin with. You know the type. They’ll do anything just to make you happy. It’s compromising yourself, your character and whatever flavored Jujubes you may be carrying.
And remember, your girl is with you because of who you are, not what you can do for them. If it’s the latter, I highly recommend moving on and cutting your losses before you find yourself at war with a person so quick she can swipe your bankcard at BeBe’s faster than David Blaine’s sleight-of-hand techniques.
Or I’m going to assume your girlfriend is hot in which case you are an idiot with a hot girlfriend. I must admit, that becomes difficult to cut off, because attractive girls usually have the skillset to manipulate very, very well.
Here’s a problem that continues to crop up with guys time and time again. Pedestaling is the act of putting girlfriend on said ‘pedestal’ or basically praising her for being a wonderful woman (AKA Hot Chick).
Men typically do this for two reasons:
- She’s the prettiest girl they’ve dated in years… or ever
- She’s really good at something sexually
What pedestaling does is it allows her to get away with bad behavior. When a woman knows she can get away with things, the scale on the attraction meter starts to make its way to negative.
Side effects of pedestaling: nausea (from other guys), stupid choices, neglecting friends and family, growing interests in things such as pottery, yoga, shopping, Bed Bath & Beyond, increased verbal sensitivity, becoming active in a cause that deal with Earth, animals, and/or oxygen, incremental viewing of romantic comedies, defending Channing Tatum for his role in G.I. Joe and Dear John, and becoming fond of pink and bright colors.
PUTTING YOUR HAPPINESS INTO ONE PERSON
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with pedestaling, but the gist of it goes like this:
Your happiness will never come from one person.
So why make her the only and absolute thing that makes you happy? Let’s see if I can justify this.
When you make her your world, that puts a lot of undue pressure on her. She now has the job duty of keeping you happy which is going to stress her out when things don’t work out at times, like arguments, or just life. A stressed out girlfriend is not a happy girlfriend so then she’s unhappy AND you’re unhappy. Nobody wins here.
As a man, lead by example. She’s not here just for your own self-fish happiness. Understand what makes you happy. (That doesn’t involve her). A self-guiding and self-assured person is an attraction multiplier.
Of course, you could always whine about crap to her and see where it gets you.
TRYING TO LIVE A FAIRYTALE
This one I find more prominent in women, but I have to put it out here because it’s come up in discussion more than a few times before. This is a problem more for idealist. These are the ones that want that perfect life. They have a vision, more like tunnel-vision, that takes over, scrutinizing everything that isn’t in that field of view of that particular vision.
Everything has to fit in this fairytale. When you become focused on something, your brain will start to work magically by paying attention to things that help your world view, or constructing easy and sometimes elaborate actions that fall within the vision to support it.
Let me give some examples.
- Coming home from a long hard day at work, you expect to be pampered when you walk through the door. Dinner’s cooking and the TV is ready for your daily consumption. Your girl serves you a wonderful home-made meal and tells you she loves you.
That’s sounds nice. You’ll probably be waiting a long-ass time for this to happen. But you’ll always have this vision in mind hoping one day it will come true. Your relationship is perfect when it reaches this point. Good luck.
- Simple one, it’s the middle of night and you want sex. You turn over in bed to catch a view of your woman’s beautiful face as you rest your hand on her waist. She notices you touching her, open her eyes and you sleepily gaze at each other. You kiss her on her neck and begin to move in closer. It’s on.
That would be wonderful if she just gave in wouldn’t it? I find this more probable than the first one though. But more than likely, she’s going to push you off a few times and you’ll probably still continue pretending not to hear her, which leads to two outcomes: she gives in only to just lie there waiting for you to finish, or you guys end up arguing and you get up to watch some TV in the other room until your hard-on goes away or you take care of it in the bathroom.
Have I made my point yet? This has a lot to do with expectation. It becomes a big let down with things don’t go your way. With these expectations in mind, we fail to see opportunities around us. In my opinion, your relationship isn’t a goal-setting achievement, I mean, once you get there then what? Stop trying anything else? Say adios to your hot girlfriend then.
YOU’LL NEVER PLEASE HER 100% OF THE TIME.
So knock it off. Matter of fact 50% is already killing it. Balancing this out is a nice idea but way too difficult to keep tabs on, on a daily basis. And if she’s expecting YOU to keep her happy all the time, that’s a dependency issue and might need to be addressed ASAP unless you like having to fight other dudes all the time. “Oh, my boyfriend can kick your ass anyday.”
Okay, maybe not like that (I’ve had that more than a handful of times though) but the point is to keep cool if she doesn’t always look cheery. It might not even be you. Being concerned for her happiness is fine, but trying to control her emotions is stupid.